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| my god, it's been a long time since my last entry. i'm in the spring semester now, and the classes are much better this time around. i don't really have much to say, but felt that i should update for the sake of updating. i refuse to abandon my xanga. more to come when there's something to say. i wonder if anyone else i know still uses xanga... | | |
| well, it's been awhile since last update. i forgot my password, which made logging into this thing a bitch.
i'm watching a foo fighters video right now, and i gotta say, i'm a much bigger fan of dave grohl, pre-neo-grunge. i mean, yeah, he was grunge when he was with nirvana, but during the fledgling years of the foo, he was so nerdy. it was cool.
anyway, school has started up again. i'm taking english and history (hopefully the last semester of both for the rest of my life), comp. sci., lab, and math. they're alright, but every day is an early class. kinda blows.
we have a new RA named jen. alex got switched to the 2nd floor. damn those 2nd floor bitches! jen's cool and all, i just miss alex.
i still think about switching schools every now and again. i like it here, but i long for a change of scenery sometimes. i'd love new york. i'd fit in, in the weirdest sense. in new york, nobody fits in, because it's just not that type of place. people don't belong, but they all have THAT (not fitting in) in common. do i make any sense? who knows. it's nearing 4 am, so i'm taking that into account. anyway, i've decided if miranda decides to change schools for some reason, then i'll switch as well. don't get me wrong, i'm not just staying because she is. i'll stay as long as i know someone. once that element is gone, i don't really have anything holding me here. if nothing else, i'd like to have a job there or go to grad school there, or something of that nature.
whatever, i'm gonna go watch some daria before the meds kick in.
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| A few realizations have come to light lately.
I've decided that I'm going to try being more confident. The way I explained it to Kaley made me sound like I was just going to become a bitch, but that's not the way I intended for it to sound. Basically, I've decided to adopt this Lily Allen lyric as my new mantra: "Say what you say, do what you do, feel what you feel, as long as it's real." I'm tired of caring and thinking too much about trivial things. I'm going to coast through life. Not as in taking the easy way out, but getting through life as emotionally unscathed as possible. In other words, "Fuck it."
I enjoy spending ungodly amounts of time with my best friends, but sometimes I honestly prefer the company of people less active and a little more laid-back. This was evident last night when I had to choose between the Ryans and the usual crowd. After driving to Blodgett's house after Ihop, I couldn't help but notice the sky: splattered with stratocumulus clouds, the full moon shining through. We decided to lay out under the stars. According to Blodgett, he probably could have punched me in the face and I wouldn't have cared. It's been a long time since I was that carefree. Usually, the word "carefree" is associated with spontaneity; however, I'm using it in a different sense. I don't feel like explaining, it could take awhile.
I can't help but wonder when, exactly, I became such an angry person. As far as I know, I used to be generally nice and mostly well-mannered. Now, I've grown into a bitter, sarcastic bitch that tends to indulge in selfish whims. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being sarcastic. I'm known for my sarcasm. I'm not quite happy with the "bitter and selfish" part. I honestly think part of it may have to do with my insomnia. I hope to change this.
Speaking of insomnia, I took my first nap in quite awhile today. When I woke up, I felt melancholic. I figured out that another reason I'm so upset about losing all this sleep (besides the obvious lack of energy and brain power) is that I miss my dreams. In dreams, I can live another life and things usually work out the way I want them to. They seem so genuine and perfect. Not that I want a perfect life, but there are a few problems that my dreams have worked though that have yet to pan out in reality. If those things could be resolved, I could possibly be a little less angry.
I've also realized that I'm a pretty lonely person. While sad, I've learned to accept and deal with it for the most part. I've filled that empty space with the excess from other areas of my life. I throw myself into TV and reading and blogging so as to forget about loneliness. It works most of the time.
It's like my whole life is a Death Cab for Cutie album. Their lyrics illustrate my life. Their discography is my soundtrack. No wonder I've been listening to them so much lately.
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| well, it's nearing 2 am and i have yet to calm down. i thought that, surely with the longer hours and greater amount of stuff to keep me occupied at work, i'd have no trouble going to sleep. at the end of the day today, i felt like i was going to pass out and run off the road. but of course, the sun set long ago and i'm still wired.
the problem with insomnia (besides the obvious sleep deprivation) is that it's so... damn... boring. nothing is open at 3 am, what the hell am i supposed to do? the only places open are ihop, waffle house, wal-mart, and the various convenience stores.
on the plus side, i have more time to find new music.
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| i thought that i was finally over it. turns out i've just been distracted. i guess some things i'll never be able to forget about, no matter how hard i try.
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